ITS ALREADY YOURS
How long have I been running?
From those words
From that look
From that moment
When you left me.
When it all fell apart
When I believed you were right not to want me anymore?
AND that no one ever would
When I believed I am never enough
AND I never will be
When I heard it’s true.
You’re unlovable.
You don’t matter.
No one can be trusted.
AND I believed it
A perpetual disappointment to yourself and
Every
One
Else
My narrative
Birthed from my childhood
Affirmed in adulthood
Etched into my heart. mind. soul.
Echoed by the fun house mirrors I look into every day
Distorted truth.
But it’s so much easier
To look in that mirror
To contort myself
To stare at the dreaded curves
To believe that something is wrong with me...somewhere
To look at the hole in my heart, the one I have somehow become convinced belongs there
Who’s hateful lullaby has become my best friend
My most trusted companion
When did I recognize I’m running
Out
Of
Breath?
I can’t stop
I need to put on my best face
Pony up my faith
Push it all down in pursuit
Of that illusive future
The one with the picket fences and the kids
The dog or cat or whatever
The one where everything is okay
Where I’m successful, beautiful, finally perfect
Wanted.
The one that erases the hurt
Explains why it all happens
When it all makes sense
And there’s no more pain
The one where God brought everything together for the good of me
Because he loves me
and that’s how it goes
...right?
why
Can’t I Breathe?
why
can’t
I
stop?
STOP
My beloved, what is it that you are seeking?
The answers?
Relationship.
An explanation?
Relationship.
What happened?
Relationship.
When?
Relationship.
now.
always,
From your first breath
to your last
my beloved.
Take this love.
Don’t question it.
Take it,
please.
It is yours.
Slow down,
breathe.
Look into my eyes.
Do you see that?
Do you see me.
Upon the cross
Deserted.
Broken.
Begging.
To give you mercy
To bestow you rest
To remind you
You have a place
You were never forgotten
You were never alone
My love is
And always has been
free
Take it.
Stop running.
All you’re seeking
It’s already yours.